Instance Like a Dick!

In response to Tamarind's recent instancing woes, I thought I'd post a helpful guide to Instancing Like a Dick. Just in case there were any of you guys out there who wanted to, but weren't sure how best to go about wasting my time.

Tanks

Remember you are the most important player in the instance. Without you, the other guys could not run. This means that you should (a) focus on keeping yourself alive at all costs and (b) make very certain that everybody else does exactly what you tell them.

Remember that healers are voice activated. They only heal you when you tell them to. Remember also that if your health bar never drops below 90% this has nothing to do with the guy in the robe, and everything to do with your *awesome tanking skills*.

Make sure you have recount installed. After all damage == threat, so you have to make certain that you're doing as much DPS as possible. It's also important to encourage your DPS to do their best by telling them that their DPS is shit compared to yours.

Remember that if somebody else gets attacked, that's a good thing. Your primary job is to stay alive, and if the mobs are attacking other people, it means you're doing your job better.

DPS

Don't install Recount. Somebody else will have it, so make sure you ask them to link it at every opportunity.

Remember that your job is to do as much damage as possible, as quickly as possible. The best way to do this is to AoE as much of the room as you can.

Remember that you are competing with the tank. It's up to them to hold aggro, it's up to you to try to take it off them. This will show how truly imba your DPS is. If you have taunts, use them.

If you're wearing plate or mail, you can survive being attacked, so off-tank (again, remember to Taunt!). It's a proven fact that having two targets to heal makes healing much more efficient.

Remember what gear is good for your class. To my fellow Death Knights, remember that we can wear any kind of armour - sure we don't need the Mp5, but Spellpower boosts a number of our most important abilities, so don't be afraid to Need on cloth.

If you use a pet, make sure they're on aggressive, otherwise they might stop attacking, causing you to lose DPS.

Remember, if you wipe, it's because the healer sucks.

Healers

Remember, healing is easy. You don't need to break for mana. You certainly don't need to shift out of Shadowform. Your job is to heal "when needed".

Remember that Death Knights and Paladins have the ability to heal themselves. This means they need even less healing than Warriors.

Don't forget to install Recount (you'll need it when the DPS ask you to link it). Remember the key to good healing is to pump out as much damage as possible while having as few deaths as you can reasonably manage.

If you pull aggro, run AWAY from the tank as fast as possible.

If things are going well, shift to DPSing full time. They don't need the heals anwyay.

If things are going badly, shift to DPSing full time. They need the extra damage.

Follow these simple rules, and you'll soon be Instancing Like a Dick with the best of them!